Letting go.....

It is so hard to let go but it is a necessary to grow, to learn, and to see what strength you actually have. Going thru a divorce with small children and still loving your soon-to-be ex spouse can be very challenging on so many different levels.

I have always been taught to fight for everything you feel is yours like family &  marriage. I have had both and basically lost them both over night. I fought to the best of my ability to keep my family and marriage together. In the end it feels like I lost my marriage of eight years. I also lost my family after the divorce. I loss the ability be watch my four girls grow up these last 18 months due to being homeless, jobless, and them being in another state.

During all this I have tried to keep in contact with them thru phone calls, skype video calls, packages, and letters. I haven't been able to see them face to face since they left with their father eighteen months ago.

Every time I feel like I'm getting a step closer in reality it feels like five steps back. I went through school and graduated and had a job for five months before being let go. I've been struggling with finding another ever since which has made it harder keeping in contact with my girls.

Then today I find out that my ex-husband is engaged again. I sent him an email telling him congrats. I'm happy for him, I really am. It just hurts to know that he is moving on so fast. It also hurts that I'm still sealed to him and I know he doesn't love me or even wants to be civil towards me.

Granted I'm not perfect. I've mistakes that I'm paying for and that I'm repenting for. I've had a hard time keeping house while I was married and raising four kids. I felt overwhelmed and felt like every time I went to my husband at that time like I wasn't worthy for his help or attention. When I went to the sisters in the ward for help at times, he made me feel even more worthless.

I wonder at times is should I feel guilty for still loving him even after all this. The feelings for him are still there, sometimes I wish they weren't but they are.

I have learned a lot. I've learned that I can get an education and do well with it. I've learned that I have so much strength and courage to get past difficult situations that can be harmful to others. I've learned that I can do things on my own. I can face dark times with out a husband, but doesn't mean that I always want to. I've learned what exactly I want in a spouse and what I don't want in a spouse. I've learned that this experience has strengthen my testimony. I've learned to forgiveness to others and to myself. I've learned most in the temple and it has given me such peace. I've learned much through my friends. They taught me to see my strength and courage. They taught me to see the service I constantly give to others, even the prideful ones. 

A friend recently reminded me that we are all tools of Heavenly Father. That we all have different experiences that could help one another. I hope that my experience will help someone else later in life. 

I'm currently learning patience with finding a job and with others. I'm blessed with many things right now.

The picture below has my girls scattered in with their cousins on my ex-husband's side of the family. In the back row going left to right the 2nd girl is my daughter Mira, then the 5th one is my youngest Kristina (Kadee for short), the 7th one is Angelina, and the front row with glasses is my oldest Veronica.

Why are things so complicated....

I'm so scared that the way I feel, Is written all over my face. When you walk into the room, I wanna find a hiding place. We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do. But now, a smile and a touch of your hand, Just makes me come unglued. Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth. Is it fact or fiction, Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated. I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away, I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay. Should I say it. Should I tell you how I feel. Oh, I want you to know. But then again I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control. I think I got a grip. Another friend tells me that, I'm always on your lips. They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind. Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye. Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess. But think of what I'd be losin', if your answer isn't yes. 

So complicated I'm so frustrated, I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away, I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay. Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel. Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated. 

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited. So long for someone like you. Oh, what do I do. Oh should I say it. Should I tell you how I feel. I want you to know,but then again I don't. It's so complicated.. It's so complicated.. It's so complicated. Ohh the way I feel for you..

My Birthday Girl!!!! I Miss you Veronica!

Painted face from Central Park.

Easter dress. 

New school outfit from last year. 

Getting pixie dust in Central park!

What's with the....

...last few nights? It seems that I can't seem to go to sleep around midnight at the earliest. Of course my friend who will remain nameless at this moment has been over every night and not leaving to go to their place until someone falls asleep. Meanwhile I've been providing the music which is nothing but 80's love songs or songs that mention the word love. HAHAHA! That is what they get for letting me supervise them. I don't think I will get to sleep before 4am. I just hope that I will be able to wake up at 8am to do "Preach My Gospel" study with my roommate Jackie.



After Jackie and I started to study together we have been noticing that we are have quite a few missionary experiences. I guess the Lord is letting us know that we are on the right path in our studying. My experience was on Tuesday night, our "Temple Night", when I had the opportunity to give the devotional before doing baptisms. The lesson was 'Dressed in White' and while giving it some random guy comes up and sits down to hear what I was teaching the others of our group. When I had finished he asked a question regarding a comment I made earlier about Moses' time when they wore special garments and had annointings. He asked where in the scriptures it said that and I was able to give him the scripture passage ( Leviticus 8:5-13). It was a very unique experience and it certainly help me to enjoy doing the baptisms more fully. I hope that I will have more experiences like that as I continue to study the Preach My Gospel book and my scriptures.


On a side note two of my friends are going thru the temple in the next couple of weeks to get their endowments and I can't wait to share in their experience. One friend, my roommate, has asked me to be her escort for her first time thru. She is so excited and I am as well. She and I have been working on a Temple Prep class at the house. She went thru it once before but we are reviewing it.

Some of my favorite quotes of the time

"True doctrine, understood changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the dctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."  ~President Boyd K. Packer

"Do you want to be happy? Forget yourself and get lost in this great cause. Lend your efforts to helping people.... Stand higher, lift those with feeble knees, hold up the arms of those that hang down. Live the gospel of Jesus Christ." ~ President Gordon B. Hinckley

Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 Official Trailer

Roommate meeting

Tonight was our first of I hope of many room mate meetings. I think it went pretty well. we managed to cover everything we wanted to and then some. My roommates consist of Jackie, Brittany, Liz, and Sharon. We all bring something unique to the atmosphere of our home.

One Favorite Quote

I have friends who are crazy, who are funny, who are great listeners,who would help you in a heart beat, they are 'family friends' are the family you choose.

What's on your playlist??

Aerosmith. Pitbull. (thanks Jackie!) Perry Como. Alanis Morisette. New Kids On the Block. B52s. Trace Adkins. Toby Keith. Amy Grant. Phil Collins. Prince. Madonna. The Judds. Expose`. Dire Straits. Collective Soul. Billy Joel. Glen Freye. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Jon Bon Jovi. Shania Twain. Trisha Yearwood. Bruce Springsteen. David Bowie. Counting Crows. Creedance Clearwater Revival. Charlie Daniels Band. Zac Brown Band. Brad Paisley. Mandy Moore. Duran Duran. John Mayer. Lenny Kravitz. Lou Bega. Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch. Muse. Paramore. Seal. Savage Garden. Richard Marx. Bryan Adams.

These are just a few but there is more that I have in my playlist. I also have some soundtracks. If you can't tell I like a wide range of music and YES some of it shows my age.

After much consideration....

..... I decided to start a new blog about me and my interests and going ons about one year after my divorce. How I've grown in the time that has past and that I may look back on it and remember the ups and downs. Of course this is being started at 3 in the morning but I just can't sleep right now.